May 9, 2007

Beginnings & In-Betweens

This afternoon, I got the call back from Badger, the vision testing place. I didn't realize the process for my evaluation was going to take so long. It's six hours for each of four days next week, with a half hour lunch. I don't know what could take that long; I'd have asked the person that talked to me, but her Latin accent was very thick, so I got what info I could understand out of the conversations and left it at that. I should be getting a letter to cover it in more details, I think.

The last vision-related test I took (other than for glasses) was in 8th or 9th grade, back in Junior High. I don't remember if it was just for gym, but I remember some tests of my depth perception, like bouncing a ball at me to catch it, etc. They used one of the big kickball balls, which I could tell well enough to do decently. A tennis ball definitely wouldn't have had the same results. I don't think this will be anything like that, though.

I'm excited, but also quite nervous. As is, I survive (at least in the lowest form of the word) on my own; I do get some help from others, but can generally 'go it alone' if it's the only option. The help I get, especially from gf and friends, is something they've come to understand and accept as a part of me. I don't think about it, nor do they (or at least they don't bring it up). My best friend Dan, for example, knows to walk on the left side where I can see him; it's become second nature.

Actively thinking about these limitations, as these test will surely do (and already have started to, to an extent) brings back chains of memories from early childhood through high school; anger and hurt towards the teasing I received, and anger that I was, and still am, an "in-between".

In-between is the worst place to be. I'm not normal enough to fully integrate into things like school, yet not shoveled into the Short Bus to be stealthily transported to the out-of-sight, out-of-mind Special Ed room. If I'm standing out waiting for the city bus, I look like a weirdo- hands covering my eyes, head tilted, etc. Move that out of the way, though, and I look like an average dork w/ glasses. You wouldn't be able to tell that I can't make out anything about you beyond vague details until you're 2' or less from me. I just ran into you and am an asshole, not a half-blind innocent victim who just got blindsided because I can't see anything past my nose, including you.

Anyhoo... these tests are designed to purposely test my limitations. Being confronted with them is a good thing, because I need to learn to accept them and find what I can to deal with them. It'll be offering help in ways I don't know about and can't manage on my own. At the same time, though, it also acts as a reminder of things I'd rather leave buried in the back recesses of my mind. It's going to be an agonizing week.

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